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The Necronomicon

To: alt.magick
From: (Zadkiel)
Subject: Re: The Necronomicon
Date: Sat, 07 Jun 1997 20:53:09 GMT

I normally just lurk but this one is too good to pass up.

On Fri, 06 Jun 1997 13:29:21 -0500, "The One, True Guardian"
<> wrote:

>You'll never believe this request, and you better believe it's not a

Oh, we believe everything.  No, really.  I mean it.

>I know without a doubt that the REAL copy of the Necronomicon is located
>in Rome, along with many other books on Satanic Magick, although the
>magick in these books in not necessarially evil!  The reason the Pope
>has these books hidden far below his Cathedral is because of the fact
>that the best way to fight the evil is to understand the evil.

Yes, you are quite correct.  We congratulate you on discovering the
truth behind so many centuries of disinformation.  The Pope has these
books hidden beneath his Cathedral (known to the Western world,
incidentally, as St. Peter's Basilica for secret occult reasons,
though commonly referred to as the Vatican) because they were gathered
in a secret mission.

You see, in the Middle Ages, there were entirely too many magicians.
The Pope is actually a robot left over from an alien race; magic is
the technology used by these aliens, and thus the Pope had to stop
humanity's access to it.  There has only ever been one Pope; it simply
sheds its skin and pretends to change its views so no one finds out.

The pope put on a female skin and became Pope Joan.  She then went to
the south of France and joined the Cathar Illuminati, forming secret
societies of Magi worshipping Binary Divinity in the form of Baphomet
throughout Bavaria.  Area 51 is the last surviving Baphomet shrine! No
really, it's true!  But there's more....

While secretly masterminding this worldwide network of Cathars, who
were cleverly imitating enmity with the Church (and cleverly
pretending to be exterminated by the Inquisition), the Pope arranged
to have the Necronomicon and many other secret works on magick hidden
around the world.  The only way we found out about it was the
discovery of marginal notes throughout the Book of the Black Toad,
which is a secret grimoire detailing the recipes for the Pope's skins
using nth-dimensional polyharmonic transformations (see K. Grant's
excellent monograph "LSD and You: A Magician's Primer"). 

>If ANYONE has any information on spells, these books, and any other kind
>of magick, please contact me by email soon.  Once again, I want to state
>that this is NOT a joke.  I know that these are facts.

It is unfortunate that you know that these are facts.  Now we will
have to kill you.

>The One, True Guardian.

I would ask of what, but I'm afraid he might tell us.

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