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Liber Call Me AL

From: catherine yronwode 
Subject: Liber Call Me AL
Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 13:37:22 -0800


Liber Call Me AL 
vel vel, now. 
sub figura skating 


"The Book of the In-Laws"

1. Hi! the manipulation of a Nut.

2. Company of heaven exposed; film at eleven.

3. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is a Star. Big Deal.

4. Every number is infinite; fire thy accountant.

5. I'd like a volunteer from the audience at this point --
you, the Warrior Lord of Thebes in the front row.

6. I've Hadit up to here.

7. Attention K-Mart Shoppers! It is revealed to !Who*vast?
The minister of Har-Po-Marx.

8. The Khabs is in the Khu, right next to the peanut butter.

9. Worship thou the Khabs, and the Khu will take care of

10. Let my servants be few and secret; they shall have
enough problems without publicity.

11. These are fools that men adore; for example, Vanna White
comes to mind.

12. Come forth with a fifth and take thy fill of Old
Overcoat; thou shalt see stars!

13. I am above you and in you. I am behind you and beside
you. I am hiding behind the curtains. I know when you are
sleeping, I see when you're awake. I know if you feel joy or
woe so feel joy for goodness sake.

14. There once was a Goddess, Nuit, Who dated a God named
Hadit. When Ankh-af-na-khonsu Saw what they were up to He
shouted "Hail Ra-hoor-khuit!"

15. You may already have won the priesthood of infinite
space, a Winnebago, all power for your wife, or one of 663
other valuable prizes in this Aeon's Prophecy Clearing House

16. For he is sunburned, and she is a lunatic. He plays with
matches, and she wanders around in the dark.

17. But for you, no such luck.

18. Look out! There's a snake on your head!

19. Oh, bend over, and I shall drive thee home!

20. Say the secret word and the Dove shall drop down.

21. If the God and the Adorer call, say unto them that I am
out of the office; they shall not see me. For I and my Lord
Hadit shall be in a meeting verily until the end of time. My
Prophet shall call their Prophet.

22. Now, therefore, I have an unlisted phone number, which
shall be revealed to my prophet when at last he ceaseth
making obscene calls. I am Infinite Space, and billions and
billions of stars, yet modesty remains my best character
trait. Let no difference be made between any one thing and
any other thing; in this way wilt thou simplify thine
Inventory Control.

23. But whoso maketh sense of all this, let him explain it
to me as soon as possible.

24. I am a Nut, and my number is up.

25. Divide, add, multiply, and extract square roots. There
will be a quiz at the end of the Aeon.

26. Then saith the Prophet and the Loss: Where the Hell am
I, what am I on, and where can I get more? Then she answered
him, her neon-hued body dangling a wide variety of love
beads and leather thongs, saying: Like, wow! Everything is
everywhere and real, like, fun, for sure! Totally!

27. Then the Priest answered and said unto her, kissing her
lovely brows, running his hand lightly along her thigh,
nibbling on her earlobes, and unbuttoning her blouse:
"Uh..right. What was the question? Mmmph."

28. Two breathed the light, faint and faery, of the stars,
then asphyxiated.

29. For I am divided by zero for the chance of confusion.

30. This is the curriculum of Math; that the pain of long
division is nothing, and the agony of Calculus, all.

31. Screw you all! I've got mine, Jack.

32. Obey my prophet! Send $20 in cash to Me! Make eleven
copies of this Book, placing thy Name therein, and disperse
them to others as thou wilt. Break not the Chain, and thy
prosperity shall be without bounds. Would I lie to you?

33. Then the priest passed out, muttering: Heard any good
ordeals, rituals, or laws lately?

34. But she said: The ordeals are none of thy business; the
rituals shall be half unknown and half published by Francis
King; the Law I'll give to anyone willing to haul it away.

35. Surprise! THIS is the Book of the In-Laws! I'll bet you
never guessed, huh? You probably thought this was just some
ordinary, run-of-the-mill prophetic work dictated by a
praeternatural Intelligence.

36. My secretary In-a-Gadda-da-Vida shall not edit this
Book, howsoever badly it may be needed. He may comment
thereupon by the wisdom of Pa-Ra-Keet. Thus shall plausible
deniability be established.

37. Also the Mazdas and the Celicas, the Oh-Yeahs and the
Cowabungas, the Fafnil and Zermatroz, the work of the Wand,
the Pantacle, the Dagger, but not the Cup; these shall ye
teach at weekend seminars.

38. He must teach; but he may make wild the parties.

39. The word of the In-Laws is PASADENA.

40. Who calls us Pasadenites will do no wrong, if he but
drives through the city. For there are therein Three Grades:
the Little Old Lady, and the Techie and the Man of Suburbia.
Possession shall be nine tenths of the Law.

41. The Formula of Sin is Opposite over Hypotenuse. Oh Man,
believe not thy wife when she says she has a headache! There
must be fifty-six ways to leave thy Lover! There is no bond
that can unite the divided but Krazy Glue; accept no
substitutes. Darn them! Darn them anyway! Ah, heck.

42. Practice bondage in groups; thou hast the right to
remain silent.

43. Do that, and await to speak unto thy lawyer.

44. For the word "unassuaged' is every way mispronounced.

45. After all, nobody's Perfect.

46. The Key to this Law is really nothing special. 61 the
Jews call it, or 58 wholesale for family. I call it eight,
twelve, three point one four -- whatever I want to. I am a
God, after all.

47. They have the half, and its the good half, too. Pull
yourself together, and tell them to get lost!

48. My Prophet looks out for Number One, One, One.

49. We regret to announce that all ordeals, words, and signs
have been canceled due to unstable theological conditions in
the East. Let Asar be with Isa, as long as they cause no
trouble. I don't care; it's not my problem. 50. Here's a tip
on how to run this scam. There are three cons you can use.
The gross shall be burned, the fine shall be soaked, and the
lofty chosen ones worked over. Thus ye have plans and
schemes, and nobody shall know what hit them!

51. There are two doors to one townhouse; the floor of that
townhouse has not been vacuumed for months; dirty clothes
and stacks of old newspapers are there, and the odor of cat
food. Let him enter in turn the two doors, having given 24
hours advance notice to the tenants as required by Law. Will
he not sink? Damn. Aargh! If thy handyman sink, the dry rot
is worse than I thought. But there are ways and means. Be
goodly therefore, or betterly if possible: go to parties;
eat cream puff sundaes, and drink generic champagne and
beers that foam; play strip poker using a Tarot deck! But be
sure to invite Me.

52. If the layout be botched; if thou neglectest thine
proofreading, saying: Who gives a damn; or saying, Let's
order a pizza; then shall Pa-Ra-Keet smite thee, and thy
pepperoni shall breed pestilence.

53. Believe me, this will make my sister feel much better.
But remember, even though you think you're such hot stuff,
it shall not help thee in Court. Have fun while you still
can; Me too! Me Too!

54. Thou shalt be graded on content, spelling and grammar.

55. Thy work shall serve as Papyri Ani.

56. Expect it not from the East or West, but watch out for
the South. Argh! All reasonable offers are accepted, and all
answers correct, save only that some are stupider than
others; solve the first half of the equation, get partial
credit. But thou art still wholly in the dark.

57. Go outside, for God's sake! Love in the raw, love under
water! But be careful; there are love and love. There is the
dove, and there is a can of whipped cream, a great deal of
rope, and a cooperative sheep. Choose ye well! He, my toady,
has chosen, knowing the House Rules, which are admittedly
confusing. The galley proofs of my book look okay, but is
not the Star; I think it's a squashed bug. Leave it in; it
will keep people guessing.

58. I give unusual; punctuation while, in life, upon death:
full stops. Not commas, nor do I demand proofreading 59. My
incense is of Chanel No. 5 and tapioca; and there are no
preservatives therein, because the Washington Monument is
exactly 555 feet tall.

60. I can count to 11, more than most of those who are with
us. The White Five Pointed Star, with a "T" in the middle,
and the "T" is red. My color is black and white in the basic
configuration, but red, green and blue are seen of those who
buy the graphics display adapter. Also I have a high
resolution option for them who pay through the nose.

61. But to love me is to know me; if, under the night stars
in the desert, thou presently freezeth thy ass off before
me, invoking me out of pure desperation, thou shalt come a
little to lie in a poorly insulated sleeping bag. For one
bonfire wilt thou be willing to give all; but whoso ignites
one juniper twig shall be arrested by Park Rangers within an
hour. Ye shall gather junk food and suntan oil; ye shall
wear dark glasses, ye shall wish ye were at the beach. I
charge you earnestly to come before me carrying a
ridiculously heavy backpack. Pale or puce, Libertarian or
libertine, I who am without good taste desire you. Put on
the wings, and you'll look just like a chicken!

62. Every time I see you I shall whine "Me too! Me Too!",
reminding thee strongly of thy little sister, and thy heart
shall burn with annoyance.

63. Sing the rapturous love song to me, or at least hum a
few bars of "Aleister's Restaurant":

You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister's Restaurant; You
can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister's Restaurant; Just
drop by, we're in Cefalu, Later on today we'll have a Mass
for Nu; You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister's

64. I am an airhead who uses too much makeup in the evening.

65. Me Too! Me Too!

66. The Manipulation of a Nut is at an end. Tune in tomorrow
for more excitement -- same BAPH time, same BAPH channeling.


Liber Call Me AL 
vel vel, now. 
sub figura skating


"The Book of the In-Laws"

1. New and improved! The filet of Haddock.

2. Oh come, all ye faithful, and Jim shall spill all the
secrets which have not been revealed already. I, Christopher
Robin, am the complement of Pooh, my bear. He is hungry, and
he lives under the name of Sanders.

3. I am always the center of attention, which makes my wife
a bit edgy.

4. Yet it is she who gets invited to the best parties.

5. Yuck! These old rituals are filthy! Let the nasty ones
get lost; let the good take laxatives. Then we'll talk.

6. I am heartburn and sunstroke. I am Life, and I gave at
the office, yet I am expert in Grateful Dead trivia.

7. I am The Omen and The Exorcist. I am the fly in the
ointment and the lime in the coconut. "Come unto me" is a
foolish word, for I do not make house calls.

8. Who worshipped Har-Po-Marx has worshipped me; badly, for
I prefer Chico.

9. Remember that existence is one long party; that hangovers
pass and are done, but liver damage remains.

10. O boy, I can see you had enough of this yesterday.

11. I see you hate the hand and the pen, but I could not
afford a word processor.

12. Because we are both broke.

13. for why? Because thou failed grammar, and me.

14. Also, we couldn't pay the electric bill.

15. For I am just the greatest thing, and my number is nine
one one to the fools, but with the "in" crowd I am eight,
and one eight, and four out of five, and two for one. Which
is really critical, only I forgot why. I didn't draw to my
Jack-high straight.

16. I am a priest in drag. Oh, and I can count to eleven,
just like my wife.

17. Hear me, ye people of sighing Whose next three paychecks
are all spent; Now is the time to start crying -- The
Landlord just increased your rent!

18. They are better off dead, these worthless bums. they
will hardly feel a thing. We don't care -- we're on the
winning team.

19. Is God to walk a dog? Woof! But Pig enumerates to 93.

20. Beauty and fashion, Malibu condos and fast cars, coke
and cognac are of us.

21. We have nothing with the scum and the rabble. Refuse
them spare change! Kick them in the ribs! Spit on them!
Gouge their eyes out! Drop napalm on their foul, stinking
streets full of cheap wine bottles and shopping carts and --
excuse me, I got carried away. If the body of the King
dissolve, the Palace probably needs a new water softener.
Nuts! Haddocks! Pa- Ra-Keets! UV lamps, steroids and contact
lenses, track lighting! I ask you, is this any way to run a
pantheon? Then again, what can you expect from a bunch of
nocturnal snakes?

22. I am the Worm that lieth in the bottom of the tequila
bottle which fills men with drunkenness. For a good time,
buy strange drugs from my distributor and trip thereupon.
The brain damage will barely be noticeable. Just say "Nu!"
The exposure of innocence is fun. Be a manly, lusty Man; you
can explain it all to God later.

23. I am alone. There is no God. Where am I?

24. But ye, o my people, rise up and -- Shut up, o deacon; I
am not there yet. This is just one of many Grave Mysteries I
plan to hint about without ever actually telling you
anything. For example, it is said, or so some say, that
there are those of my people who are hermits. Now, think not
to find them milking goats in the West County of Ireland, or
even standing in wheatfields holding cubist lanterns along
the Tiphareth- Chesed Freeway, but at cocktail parties, and
in the Tokyo subway system. How is it, you ask, that such
people are deemed Hermits? Chalk up another Grave Mystery.
Remember: Kill the wretched, and the weak, the struggling
masses yearning to be free! Burn their homes, plow their
fields with salt, enslave them, oppress them -- oh my, I'm
sorry, I seem to have gotten carried away again. I really
will try to keep a lid on it from now on. Promise.

25. It's us against them, boy, and I say we call in the
nukes! The hell with what I just promised! I hate them! I
hate them! Aaaargh!

26. I am the train entering a tunnel, and the hot dog
chasing a donut. If I lift up my head, and shoot forth
venom, I will have to wash the sheets in the morning.

27. There is danger in this verse, for whoso does not give
it to his editor shall make a great mess. He shall stumble
into the pit called Writers Block, and there he shall reason
with the Xaos.

28. Now, damn Because, and the horse he rode in on!

29. Just who the Hell does Because think he is, anyway?

30. If Will stops and cries Why, fire him.

31. If Power asks Why, tell it whatever it wants to hear.

32. Reason won't work either, at least not for you.

33. Enough Because, already! I don't even like his dog!

34. (What has he got against dogs, anyway? Is it my turn,
now? Okay...*ahem*) But ye, o my people, rise up and restore
circulation to your arms!

35. Let the rituals be performed with latex and farm

36. There are parties every other Tuesday at Bagh-i-muattar

37. A feast for the first night of Pernod over ice!

38. A feast for each of the ninety-four days of the writing
on the Book of the In-Laws.

39. A feast for Alexia, child of 1.75 Masters --
Ptah-Sekhet, O profit!

40. Practices for initiation rituals, and practices for the
Equinox so we can piss off the A... A... types again.

41. A feast after class, and a feast on payday; a feast for
life, and a sudden loss of appetite following death.

42. A feast every day with me so you can get heartburn.

43. A feast every night with my wife so you can get spacey.

44. Yeah! Party hardy, bro, and fear not hangovers at all.

45. There is death for the dogs, but only if a
Czechoslovakian restaurant opens in your neighborhood.

46. Doest thou fall? Art thou hurt? Call Work Injury
Resources at (213) 466-1058.

47. Where am I? What are these?

48. Pity not the fallen! (What a great idea for a song
title...) they are not my problem! I hate them, hate them,
hate them! Torture them, destroy them, burn them,! Rip their
throats open with dull knives, and -- whoops, there I go

49. I am Haddock, hear me roar, while I kill and maim the
poor; they knew that I would get them in the end. (This is
one of the nine to five; after work there is happy hour,
wherein I am three sheets to the wind.)

50. Green am I, and pink in the weave of my shirt, yet the
red lines are in my eyes, and the purple shadows under them.

51. I mean really purple; it is the light high as a
mountain, tall as a tree. My toadie shall call this light
"infrared," thus establishing his credentials to create a
system of scientific illuminism.

52. There is some veal; that veal is black. It is the veal
you bought for dinner three months ago; it is the veal that
still lieth in the back of your refrigerator. Throw away
this fuzzy specimen of mycology! Do this, and I shall reward
thee with freedom from severe food poisoning.

53. Don't worry, kid, you won't regret writing this thing.
You are perfectly OK, I swear it, and any minor discomfort
you may feel is only temporary, and probably just
psychosomatic anyway.

54. So your family, loved ones, friends, and everyone else
you've ever respected think you've gone off the deep end?
Big deal! You know who you can trust, right? The stops as
thou wilt; the yields as prescribed by state law.

55. Thou shalt learn the entire English Alphabet; thou shalt
learn to construct words therefrom.

56. Laugh while you still can, mockers! They laughed at me
at the University, but now, now I will show them! Ahahaha!

57. He that is righteous shall be righteous still, he that
is filthy shall take a bath.

58. Don't go changing, to try to please me, I love you just
the way you are. Perhaps that bum is a King who likes cheap
red wine. A King can choose his refreshment as he will; the
rabble cannot hide their poor taste.

59. Kill them all, and let Me sort them out!

60. Strike low, strike often; kick them when they're down,
so they won't get up again!

61. There is a light before thine eyes, a light undesired,
most annoying. Buy a new shade for your desk lamp.

62. Your chest hurts, and the roof is leaking.

63. Just breathing is an effort.

64. Oh! You let your guard down, we have you now: hail,
hail, the gang's all here: prophet of a Nut! prophet of the
Odd! Prophet of Bar-B-Que! Now rejoice, and party, and write
trashy novels!

65. I am the Master; you will obey me.

66. Write and work, and find ecstasy in bed! Thrill with
victory and agonize in defeat! Those who see your death
shall be glad -- doesn't that make you feel just great? I
love you so much I think I'll kill you. Cheer up! We're all
in this together.

67. Hold! A little more to the left! Keep it up! Oh, for
God's sake, don't pass out now!

68. Harder! Faster! Oh! Oh! OH!!!

69. Whew! What do I feel? Am I exhausted? Not with this
verse number, I'm not.

70. There are other ways, too. Wisdom says: be rich! Then
canst thou afford more joy. Recrystallize thy rapture. If
thou drink, don't drive, if thou love, do. If thou do aught
joyous, don't get caught, and destroy all evidence.

71. But go for the gusto!

72. Grab more and more! Live fast, die young, leave a
good-looking corpse.

73. Ah! Ah! Death! Death! Thou! Thou! Shalt! Shalt! Long! --
excuse me, I got stuck. Anyway, forget death.

74. Absence makes the Heart grow fonder. He who lives long
and desires death much is obviously not very good at

75. Aha! Listen to the Secret Code Message:

76. 20-N-Z 6-B-17-M 3-M-2-N-3-M-3 16-6-C-15 18-14-N-11-5.
What the Hell does that mean? You won't figure it out,
that's for sure. Ten cometh after me; they shall read it,
and weep. But remember -- even if you don't understand it,
you can still tell it to your friends.

77. O be thou proud and macho and muscular, and the Castro
shall be thine.

78. Thou art really something, a special kind of guy, truly
head and shoulders above the crowd, a standout,
one-of-a-kind. Thine head shall expand to encompass the
stars. They shall worship thy name, and the number of thy
beverage 202.

79. The end of the filet of Haddock, and so long to you,


Liber Call Me AL 
vel vel, now. 
sub figura skating


"The Book of the In-Laws"

1. Tag! You're It!

2. Things get rough from here on out; show not this chapter
to thy friends. Speling is flunked; all was not taught. It's
a Hawk! It's a Higher Plane! It's PA-RA-KEET!

3. Now first, let's get it straight that, as Gods go, I am
one bad-ass dude. I will kick their asses.

4. Choose ye an island! (I recommend the Atolls of Tahiti.)

5. Fortify it with eight vitamins and iron! (From this shall
wonder be bred.)

6. Fill it with all kinds of crap!

7. I will give you a fire engine.

8. With it ye shall hose down the people, and none shall
stand before you.

9. Run away! Sneak around behind them! Shoot them in the
back! This is the law of the Battle of Cowardice: we shall
practice in my back yard.

10. Get the Souvenir Postcard of Cairo itself; set it in thy
photo album -- the one with the dirty pictures of Egyptian
children and camels -- and it shall be your Keepsake for
ever. It shall not fade, or at least not much, for
miraculous four- color printing shall adhere to it
eternally. Toss it in the bottom of your underwear drawer
and forget about the damned thing.

11. Save this portion for your records! I forbid argument. I
forbid questions. Hell, I forbid going to the bathroom! I
will make it easy for you to mess up your house and to
destroy your home town. Thou shalt have danger and trouble;
thy weight is 195 pounds. Bar- B-Que is with thee. Worship
me with gin and tonic; worship me with scotch & with water!
Let women threaten me with sharp objects; thou knowest I
love it. Let beer flow to my glass. Step on anyone who gets
in the way; mine is a modest proposal!

12. Mutilate cattle, little and big, in remote areas of
Wyoming: after, a c***d [DELETED AT THE REQUEST OF THE O.T.O

13. Ha! I didn't say "Simon Magus says!"

14. I'll get around to it, so be patient. Yeah? And your
wife, too!

15. Be careful what you wish for - I may give it to you.
Hell, I may anyway.

16. No contract, explicit or implicit, is hereby established
between the party of the first part, the entity ?Who-Vast!
(hereafter EW), and the party of the second part, the Master
999 (hereafter M999). EW assumes no liability for damages
caused by or consequent to use, misuse, abuse, or disuse of
Liber Call Me AL (hereafter "Nancy") by M999. M999 assumes
full responsibility for promulgation, commentary, and
routine maintenance of "Nancy", and for all civil or
criminal actions pertaining to or caused by "Nancy" or
related material. Your state may not permit exclusion of
prophetic liability for channeled, inspired, or
extraterrestrial communications. In this case, state law
supersedes the Logos of the Aeon.

17. Don't worry; fear neither tax auditors, nor auto
mechanics, nor weird fuzzy things you find late at night
under your bed, nor anything. Money fear not, but rather the
lack of it; nor laughter of the folk folly - with a religion
like this you're in for a lot of it. Nuts are your snack as
you drink your Lite; and I am the force that bends your arm.

18. You know all that stuff in Chapter 2 about mugging the
weak and the poor? Well, do that, but this time wear
steel-toed boots.

19. The postcard they shall call the Souvenir of Cairo;
count its name on thy fingers, and it shall be unto thee as,
um, 5.

20. But WHY??? Because of the fall of Because, you little
brat. Now go play on the freeway.

21. Redecorate thy temple with genuine oil paintings from
the GALLERY ART SHOW at the Cairo Hilton! Seascapes, clowns,
Elvis on velvet, generic farm buildings, and waterfalls are
only a few of the many ORIGINAL ARTWORKS available at
ridiculously low prices for a LIMITED TIME! Sofa size,
portrait size, and our special TEMPLE SIZE paintings are all

22. Buy a whole set, to carry thy Decorating Theme. I am the
visible Object of Worship, if you know what's good for you.
It's my Aeon, and I'll scry if I want to. The others can
just wait their turns; for you and your wife are they, and
the winners of the Prophecy Clearing House Giveaway. What is
this? Ask Ed McMahon.

23. For perfume mix oil and vinegar and Thunderbird: then
gasoline and styrofoam, and afterward soften and smooth down
with rich dark beer.

24. The best beer is of the Irish, Guiness; then beers of
Germany, or imported from the Orient; then of Australia;
then of Canada or Mexico; then some American pisswater, no
matter the brand.

25. This drink; of this make bread and eat 'til you pop.
This hath also another use; let beer be laid in a shallow
dish in the garden, with sticks propped up on its sides: it
shall become full of snails and other things which have been
ravaging your garden.

26. These dispose of, reflecting on the karmic implications
of drowning in beer.

27. Also, these make good escargot if you want to catch them
live and go to all that trouble.

28. Also, ye shall reek of garlic.

29. Furthermore, if you keep them in corn meal awhile,
they're supposed to taste better. You try it first and let
me know.

30. My altar is of open brass work. Burn thereupon, and all
the incense will fall through the openings and ruin your new

31. You will meet a tall dark stranger who will piss on you.

32. From gold forge extremely soft, yellowish steel!

33. Be ready to run away or to hide!

34. But your Townhouse shall endure throughout the
centuries: though with dry rot and termites it be unsafe and
condemned, yet an invisible house there lieth in a heap, and
shall remain until the zoning laws change; when hell is
frozen over and the national debt repaid. Another load of
ready cash shall then be spent on New Age trash; another
scandal-film shall bore us, titled "The Sex Life of Horus";
another Book shall be dictated to a Prophet overrated;
another parody shall be prepared, another Breeze to pain;
and we shall be still on the brink of the Volume II Magickal

35. The end of the word of Hia-wa-tha, alias Har-po-marx,
alias Pa-Ra-Keet.

36. Then, suddenly, the prophet said:

37. I think I feel a song coming on -

Why do hawks swoop down from the sky 
Every time she walks by? 
Just like me, they long to be 
Close to Nu.

Why do buds open to the air 
>From the Earth, everywhere? 
Just like me, they long to be 
Close to Nu.

In the Aeon she appeared Archangels got together 
And they Willed to formulate a dream come true; 
So they scattered starlight for her body 
And eternal trees, the hair of Nu!

38. Of course you feel light-headed; you have a hot sword
stuck in your back. Pick Door Number 3, and I will establish
your way, or you can trade it all for whatever is in this
box. Oh, by the way, these are the adorations, so pay

Why do snakes coil around my heart 
Every time we're apart?
Just like me, they long to be 
Close to Nu.

39. All this and a sensational best-selling book about how
you achieved communion with Aliens and a copy of this
document forever - for in it is high acid content paper, and
it won't last twenty years as is - and thy comment upon this
Book of the In-Laws (I suggest "So what?") shall be Xeroxed
expertly in four colors upon beautiful bond paper stolen
from an office supply store; and to everyone that thou
meetest, were it but to throw food and drink on them, it is
the Law to give as good as you get. Remember, charity begins
at AUMGN. Then they shall either shower thee with praise and
fortune or set their dogs upon thee; care to guess the odds?
Run away quickly.

40. But what about the Comment? I don't got to show you no
stinking Comment!

41. Establish a legitimate business organization as a front;
all must be done using at least two sets of books.

42. The ordeals thou shalt overlook, being blind drunk.
Accept everybody; you'll probably spot the traitors before
they cause really catastrophic damage. I am Pa-Ra-Keet, and
I am very good at getting my servant in trouble by giving
him stupid orders like this. Success would be nice; fold
not, spindle not, mutilate not, breathe shallowly, sit
still! Them that seek to arrest thee, to beat thee up, might
not even notice thee if thou art still and quiet enough. If
this doesn't work, swift as a kicked puppy run away! Be thou
yet more pitiful than he! Perhaps they shall have mercy upon
thee. Lick their boots, roll over and play dead!

43. Let the Beige Woman beware! If she lets up for one
second I'll kick her ass. I will cancel her auto insurance;
I will foreclose on her mortgage; I will audit her tax
return; as a shrinking and despised credit risk shall she
crawl through loan applications, and die a renter.

44. But let her do her Will by following my directions to
the letter, never deviating from the exact path I have
chosen for her! Let her act as I want her to act, dress the
way I like her to dress!

45. Then shall she be free; then I will be nice to her kids.
She shall be happy, for I know what she really wants. With
my perfect guidance she shall be Nuts, and eat Haddock.

46. I am the Lord of the Top Forties; the Sixties tune in,
turn on, and drop out; the Eighties worry about my
prophecies more than Nostradamus. Failure is likely, running
away your defense; go on with my speed, and hide until they

47. This book shall be a major motion picture, with
subsequent comic book releases; but always with the
illegible scrawls of my servant; for in the chance shape of
the doodles in the margins are mysteries with which Freud
would have a field day. Let him not seek to know these; but
seventeen come later who shall use them as a wallpaper
pattern. Then this ink stain is a mess; then this smeared
line is a mess also. Buy a new pen, for God's sake. And
SHAZAM. Blood tests shall prove it to be his kid, stunning
the medical profession. Let him not push too hard, for only
thusly could he fall off and possibly injure both himself
and the goat.

48. Now the mystery of the letters is done, and good

49. I am in a secret word that you won't want your friends
to read. Just tell them to stop at verse 48.

50. Darn them! Darn, darn, darn! GOSH darn!

51. Okay, here we go: With great big nasty sharp implements
I gouge Jesus' eyes out. Anybody for a nice cheery burning
cross on the front lawn?

52. I offend another major world religion and make untold
millions of additional enemies by fucking around with
Mohammed's vision.

53. Hell, let's go for it! I make appropriate rude and
offensive comments about and desecrate the temples of Jews,
Hindus, Buddhists, Shintoists, Confucians, Taoists,
Animists, various Native American religions, and - just so
they won't feel left out - Marxists. There, now everybody in
the world hates you. Isn't it nice to be noticed?

54. Bah! Humbug! I crap on your spitulous creeds!

55. Let's torture Mary to enrage the Catholics; let's
criticize Nuns! This is getting fun!

56. All just for the Hell of it!

57. Just in case we've left anybody out, let's also despise
Canadians and blondes and stupid people! We must have, what,
something like 99.98% of the Earth's population covered by

58. But the keen and the neato, the free and the brave, ye
are brothers! All seven of you!

59. So just to make sure you don't get bored, fight each
other as well as the rest of humanity!

60. There is no law beyond Do it, then wilt.

61. There is an end to the word of the Head Honcho of the
Aeon, but not yet, apparently.

62. To me kiss up by getting clobbered over and over trying
to implement all these silly instructions. If this is bliss,
I think I'll take sorrow.

63. The fool takes one look at this Book of the In-Laws,
makes a rude comment, and resolves to wait for the movie.

64. Let him come through the first ordeal, and it shall be
to him as evidence submitted to support his lawsuit.

65. Through the second, material for unknown rock groups to
include in otherwise inane lyrics.

66. Through the third, a source of dozens of pithy aphorisms
with which to amaze one's friends and alarm one's family.

67. Through the fourth, overly exalted and poorly understood
material just waiting for a good parody.

68. Yet to all it shall seem like a good excuse for doing
whatever they wanted to do anyway.

69. There is success just ahead, a light at the end of the
tunnel; I promise the troops will be home by Crowleymas.

70. I am the chicken-livered Lord of Silence and Hiding; I
am afraid of the dark.

71. Hey! You warriors over by the pillars! Your coffee break
is almost over!

72. I am the guy with the wand of Double Power, baby; the
wand of the force of OY VEY - but my left hand is empty, for
I crushed a beer can yesterday, and sprained my thumb.

73. Paste the sheets from right to left and from top to
bottom, then behold! A very large sheet of paper!

74. There is a Secret in the name of PASADENA, hidden and
foamy, just as the sun at midnight seldom gives you a good

75. How do you keep a Thelemite in suspense?


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Southern Spirits: 19th and 20th century accounts of hoodoo, including slave narratives & interviews
Hoodoo in Theory and Practice by cat yronwode: an introduction to African-American rootwork
Lucky W Amulet Archive by cat yronwode: an online museum of worldwide talismans and charms
Sacred Sex: essays and articles on tantra yoga, neo-tantra, karezza, sex magic, and sex worship
Sacred Landscape: essays and articles on archaeoastronomy, sacred architecture, and sacred geometry
Lucky Mojo Forum: practitioners answer queries on conjure; sponsored by the Lucky Mojo Curio Co.
Herb Magic: illustrated descriptions of magic herbs with free spells, recipes, and an ordering option
Association of Independent Readers and Rootworkers: ethical diviners and hoodoo spell-casters
Freemasonry for Women by cat yronwode: a history of mixed-gender Freemasonic lodges
Missionary Independent Spiritual Church: spirit-led, inter-faith, the Smallest Church in the World
Satan Service Org: an archive presenting the theory, practice, and history of Satanism and Satanists
Gospel of Satan: the story of Jesus and the angels, from the perspective of the God of this World
Lucky Mojo Usenet FAQ Archive: FAQs and REFs for occult and magical usenet newsgroups
Candles and Curios: essays and articles on traditional African American conjure and folk magic
Aleister Crowley Text Archive: a multitude of texts by an early 20th century ceremonial occultist
Spiritual Spells: lessons in folk magic and spell casting from an eclectic Wiccan perspective
The Mystic Tea Room: divination by reading tea-leaves, with a museum of antique fortune telling cups
Yronwode Institution for the Preservation and Popularization of Indigenous Ethnomagicology
Yronwode Home: personal pages of catherine yronwode and nagasiva yronwode, magical archivists
Lucky Mojo Magic Spells Archives: love spells, money spells, luck spells, protection spells, etc.
      Free Love Spell Archive: love spells, attraction spells, sex magick, romance spells, and lust spells
      Free Money Spell Archive: money spells, prosperity spells, and wealth spells for job and business
      Free Protection Spell Archive: protection spells against witchcraft, jinxes, hexes, and the evil eye
      Free Gambling Luck Spell Archive: lucky gambling spells for the lottery, casinos, and races