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Orgasms - help!

To: soc.sexuality.general
From: (Laurie S.)
Subject: Re: Orgasms - help!
Date: 22 Mar 2001 19:58:12 -0800

On 21 Mar 2001 10:45:29 -0800, "Ann E"  wrote:

>I'm after some advice.... I'm as sexual as the next person but I
>have not had an orgasm (I'm 30 now). Pleasure is the main aim of
>the game but I'd still like a route map. Any advice as to where I
>am would be welcome.
>See, I feel like there's this hill. I try to climb up it, I slip
>back. Everyone else I know says that when they climb the hill,
>sometimes they don't make it to the top but when they do, there's
>this great view and they get to slide down the other side of it
>which is very exciting. Sure, fine, whatever, but I've not been
>up there, I don't even know whether I can see the top from here.
>Anyone care to assess?
See, I think this is somewhat similar to trying to explain the onset
of labor to an eight-months pregnant woman who has never had a baby.
Sure, most new mothers-to-be are curious what it will feel like and
would like to know what to expect, and those who have had babies are
going to be willing to share what it felt like for them and try to
give them something to relate to.

But when it comes right down to it, I don't think you can ever make
someone understand what it will feel like. You can only give them a
glimpse; once they go through it themselves, it's only then that what
you tell them will really sink in. "Oh, yeah, *that's* what she was
talking about."

I mean, I've heard a lot of mothers talk about what it was like to
have their water break when they were in labor, but until my second
child was born, I couldn't fully fathom it (a nurse broke my water
during a contraction when my first baby was born, and the contraction
was enough of a distraction that I didn't really feel anything). When
my water broke with my second child, it was the *weirdest* feeling,
and I didn't even know what it was at first.

Anyway, to get back to orgasms, I went a long while without having
one. I'd been married for a year or two, with my fourth intimate
partner, before I had my first orgasm, which would have made me around
26 or 27. I don't remember it being as frustrating when I was in
relationships as it was when I wasn't seeing anyone between the ages
of 19 and 21. I think it bothered me less to have sex without orgasm
than to have masturbation without it.

I knew what orgasm was, of course, and I had experienced certain
levels of arousal leading to a rather "high" point, but I could never
get over the hump. I'd get shaky, and I'd feel a sense of "gathering"
in my lower abdomen, and I'd feel flushed, all things that from my
vantage point now seem rather close to orgasm. But when I was younger
and not experiencing orgasms, I really had no idea where I was, or
where I was going. There was a sense of the unknown, and I guess a
certain fear of where this "verge" might lead, perhaps. There were
times when I would feel I had to stop because it was just too intense;
it feels now that those times might have been right on the brink and
there was a somewhat scary sense of the "unknown." I've never really
known quite how to explain this feeling. I probably could have
explained it better at the time, if I'd ever actually *talked* to or
with anyone about orgasm.

>Talking solo sex here, I can get a certain way. I know what sort of
>stimulation I like, it's quite strong, and I can get to the point
>where the tension is there, and my legs get a bit fluttery. Now in
>all the literature on orgasm, descriptions vary wildly, but these
>things I have deduced: orgasm is supposed to be a kinda release of
>tension, and it's supposed to be pleasurable, and you're supposed to
>notice it.
>Well any release of tension I get isn't a noticeable event, it's simply
>because I've stopped, probably because my hand is getting tired.
>Someone tried to convince me that the legs fluttery sensation (which
>is a general sensation, not a specific event) was an orgasm, but
>I'm not convinced. The one thing everyone agrees on about orgasm is
>that it's sufficiently nice to want another one. If I want a legs
>trembly sensation I can get that from low blood sugar, and it's
>certainly not in the category of "Yes please!".
Yeah. I sometimes get trembly legs during orgasm if I make a point of
trying to relax my legs, which tends to start them quivering a bit,
but normally, the more aroused I get, the more my legs tighten and
tend not to tremble (in fact, in solo sex I sometimes tighten my legs
so much that I lock my knees and can barely walk for a few minutes
afterward; I don't like that much).

I find that there's usually a lot of tension in me when I approach
orgasm, and I don't know how typical that is. I tend to make small
thrusts with my hips when I masturbate, and at the moment of orgasm, I
usually feel a desire to thrust upward. How much tension there is
seems to depend on how long it takes me to come; if it takes me a
while, I'm usually pretty tense when I start to come.

If you're looking for some physical feelings/signs, I can say that I
typically feel some big tension in my inner thighs and lower abdomen
(as well as in my clit, of course), and the arousal tends to come in
waves that seem to get larger and higher as I approach orgasm, and I
feel a growing sense of helplessness (which has a sort of neat mixture
of fear and bravado, if that makes sense).

Until I was 39, I was a one-orgasm woman. The feelings just seemed
very linear, and sort of made sense, I guess. I'd reach this peak and
then poof it would be over, and being touched was too intense. But
when I started having multiple orgasms (I'm 43 now) that "ceiling" was
gone, and they kind of come right on top of each other. I think
there's a sort of reckless abandon in there that I maybe didn't have
in me when I was younger.

>So, in short, I don't know where I am. I hear talk of a plateau
>phase before orgasm, hey, I haven't found that, I'm still on a steep

I'm not sure what the plateau phase is, but now that I think about it,
sometimes I do get this kind of breathless feeling, this kind of
almost quiet anticipation. But only sometimes. I think it happens more
when I use very light stimulation than when I do it more intensely,
and perhaps more when I'm having "nice" fantasies than when I'm having
"naughty" ones. (I don't usually masturbate without some sort of

I think that for people who are used to having orgasms, the experience
probably varies quite a bit, depending on a lot of factors. But if
you've never *had* one, that may be vaguely interesting but doesn't
really address what you're missing, because you don't *know* what
you're missing. It's tough to relate, I think, to a range of orgasms
when you have yet to have one at all.

I don't really remember what got me over the edge. I guess it was just
a matter of time. But even after I started having orgasms, they often
didn't come easily. A guy friend of mine once said: "Frustration is
the greatest enemy of the female orgasm." I'm not into blanket
statements about the sexes, but that one I could at least relate to on
a personal level, because when I get frustrated because I'm not
getting anywhere, it often doesn't get anywhere. I do much better when
I'm relaxed and don't feel driven, when I can just lie back and see
what happens. I'm really pretty boring, technique wise, just lying on
my back, doing some indirect stimulation in little circles on my clit,
but it seems to work most of the time, and I guess that says

When I was still married, I used to now and then tell my husband (when
we were in a foreplay situation) that I was going to "try not to
come." (I figured it was a good thing to let him know why I was just
lying there) That was always pretty intense, as I would lie there and
pretend not to be aroused, even while the feeling were mounting higher
and higher. There's just something about that growing sense of loss of
control over my feelings/arousal that feels really compelling.

> It's nice, I'm having fun, but I am getting kinda curious!
I think it's neat that you're having fun. You sound a lot more patient
than I was!

>Anyone any suggestions?

Well, I don't know how helpful these might be, but I'll try to jot
down a few ideas, just to toss them out for you to think about ...

1. Relax. I mean *really* relax. Be jelly with yourself; submit to
yourself. When you're jilling off, you're both giver and recipient,
and you can play both roles. (with or without an accompanying fantasy)

2. Speaking of fantasy ... Try on a few, feel what gets you going,
what gets under your skin and gets your mind and body tingly just at
the thought of it.

3. If you get to the point where you feel on the verge of something
and don't know what to do next and feel its inevitable that you're
going to end up sliding back, try imagining someone (a real someone or
a pretend someone) keeping you going, whispering things in your ear,
playing you for all you're worth and then some ... and let go to that.
Let that someone else guide you where you can't go by yourself.

4. Try a little "Wet" or other lubrication. Playing with your clit can
get frustrating sometimes if all the friction ends up making you dry
even though you know you're aroused. A little lube can take away a
little frustration.

5. Try other things, too, in a sort of teasing, experimental way. I
found a few years ago that while I thought my breasts/nipples were
never very sensitive, that they're actually *really* sensitive to very
light, brisk touching, just skimming across rather rapidly with the
pads of the fingers. It makes me just *lose* it. I'd only done it with
myself until a friend of mine tried it on me last year and was
surprised how much that little touch made me just writhe with
passion. Sometimes I feel I could almost come from it.

Another thing that I'm oddly sensitive to is a very light, feathery
touch of the outer vaginal lips. I can have a really weird, shaky
orgasm within seconds of touching myself like this, and it's not the
same as a regular orgasm. I'll shudder uncontrollably for a while and
then it's over. It's more a curiosity for me than anything I strive
for, though.

6. Try porn, if you like it. When I was younger, I didn't want to
admit that I liked to jill off to porn, but it was pretty big stuff
for me. Once in a blue moon my ex would get hold of a porn movie and
would watch it, and I'd sneak it out later when he was asleep and
would masturbate to it. I'd also use his magazines, not so much the
pictoral stuff (unless it was a more hardcore magazine; the softcore
ones have a lot more female poses in it than photos of actual sexual
activity) but the text stuff, the letters columns, the fantasies, etc.
Textual porn is something that really can get me going if I hit upon
the right stuff.

7. I don't know if you're interested in net sex type stuff in chat
rooms, but that can be compelling too. When I was into this stuff, it
wasn't so much about doing stuff with people, but doing stuff
alongside (except for my rather brief foray into rape and rough-sex
channels several years ago, which was weird and troubling but
eventually started to make some sense).

My biggest kink was to go onto a masturbation channel and be the lone
female in a sort of "circle jerk," I guess. The guys would tell me

what to do (to myself), how fast, how hard, etc., and I'd just do it,
and we'd all get off. I kept getting banned from channels for doing
this, though. It apparently is considered "disrespectful to women" to
allow such things in those channels. Which bugs me; I could go onto
any number of channels in which I could be consensually degraded and
humiliated through back-and-forth cybersex with one or more guys, but
I couldn't do a little D/s masturbation scening with a handful of guys
in a masturbation channel, which was exactly what I wanted. And what I
got, for a while, until I ran out of places to go. Eventually I quit

Actually, at one time I ended up as a channel op on one of those
channels; I think I was the only op who didn't actually *do* anything
with anyone, or do anything sexual but talk about sex and masturbation
(without doing either openly). It was still kind of nice, and I met
some nice people, including some younger men who were still virgins
and who were interested in just talking about what it might be like
the first time they had sex.

Oops. I'm sorry. I forgot I was making a list of ideas!

Anyway, they're just ideas. I know some of them may be off base, but I
just thought I'd pass them along in case something clicks with you.

I wish you the best. Er, actually, I wish you an orgasm. =)

"If you can't believe in yourself,
believe in someone who believes in you."

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