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To: alt.magick.tyagi,alt.consciousness.mysticism,alt.sex.wizards,alt.religion.sexuality,alt.magick.sex,alt.magick.tantra From: nagasiva@luckymojo.com (nagasiva yronwode) Subject: Re: Can't shut my mind up Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2000 08:00:38 GMT 50000617 Vom Phinny: > When I'm having sex it's like this internal battle in me between >wanting to lose myself to the sensation and wanting to control it. I >find that at first it feels good, but inevitably I start to worry >about what the 'correct' way is to feel my feelings and to proceed. I >become too concerned, out of habit, to worrying about how I should >perform instead of enjoying myself appear to others vs feel to oneself >and I start second guessing every impulse, slow down, talk plainly with your partner(s) about this problem, and then second, third and fourth-guess every impulse. explore in masturbation and sex PLAY what happens in a variety of different combinations and situations of energies, attitudes, conditions, and contexts. through this method (and perhaps with some practice at just relaxing without doing anything at all), this will cease to be a problem (because the potential results will have been experienced and you'll break out of any narrow preconceptions you now hold). >and then often I can't cum or I lose my erection. contemplate and discuss with intimates what the MEANING of these results truly is. is coming every time important? look at all those who affiliate with tantra of one sort or another who proclaim that coming is a PROBLEM! are erections that important? to whom? what alternatives to erection- centered sex can you imagine, playfully engage? at least considering these ideas may yield important attitudinal changes. some good degree of the emphasis on and identification of problems will depend upon the conditioning you have received about sexuality and its "proper" choreography. since your complaint is that you might be able to come or to maintain an erection, then I will assume several things about you which may or may not be true and therefore offer my (nonofficial, untrained) advice: * if you don't have one, get a vasectomy. that's my religious advice. :> * explore sexuality from the perspective of your partner(s). if a woman, then learn about women-centered sexuality in texts and videos. get to know women from the INSIDE OUT, including the variation in their conditioning and their biology. if a man or more than one person, do likewise, consulting library and online texts about the joys and trepidations about what sex includes. you will find that most people have similar feelings about performance and ecstasy, and that this dissonance is a kind of byproduct of inexperience and uncertainty about one's skill combined with level of communication and connection to one's partner(s). consult resources like the Society for Human Sexuality's Online Library (extensive! lovely!): http://www.sexuality.org/ftpsite.html for good soundings on what to expect where conventional sex is concerned. * explore yourself sexually, inclusive of masturbation and self-stimulation which is NOT genitally-centered. if this exploration occurs in consort with your partner(s), so much the BETTER (because as you learn about yourself, they will also learn about you). ideally this could become a piece of an entire spiritual self- awareness program inclusive of regular exercise, meditation, perhaps the regulation or attention to diet, and reflection with others online or off about spirituality. * try to take your focus away from the problem areas which distract you from connecting with your partner(s). if this is self- consciousness, then try to diffuse the uncertainty about what you are doing by asking your lover(s) to help you to lose some of your self- consciousness by directing you to do what they would like, with compliments when they like what you do and considerate redirects when something you do doesn't work for them. another approach is for you to try things with them and have them provide rather continual feedback as you proceed (a 'getting to know' session). if it is an inability to have the type of ejaculatory or erectile response that you would like, then put more emphasis in your life about learning what pleases and displeases you, physically, come to understand the psychological issues behind the arising and persistence of erection, the social over-emphasis on the penis and ejactulation, and the similarities of biology between men and women (inasmuch as there are definite and easily identifiable correlate nerve clusters, (mutual) oral sexual stimula- tion may serve as but one of a number of enjoyable alternatives to penetration when erection wanes -- and it is not uncommon for it to wane and return). * be not afraid to pick and choose your most compatible sexual partner rather than accepting whoever comes along. some people just are not capable of making sex work between them due to their individual libertine and/or constrained sexual conditioning/nature. >Is there anyway to make my brain shut up while I'm having sex? some of my response to this depends on how often you have difficulties 'making your brain shut up' (quieting the inner train of imagined verbal expression) during your waking life outside of sex. there are many interesting theories about this, some promising rather poorly for your chances at changing it. I tend to think that one may often dampen and severely impact one's internal thought train through relaxation exercises and quiet, reposing meditation (rather than visualizations, which can be effective, but are active enough that they may complicate matters, depending upon the subject matter). I have found that hatha yoga (especially the corpse pose), sitting zazen, and warm baths are conducive to relaxation. it may help to exercise vigorously prior to the bath (a long walk, for example), and being between hunger and satiation (having eaten perhaps 2 hours or more previous). we're only talking about the facilitation of relaxation, not what is absolutely necessary to achieve it. becoming quite familiar with how to BECOME relaxed, this can be achieved in even difficult circumstances (and is, I think, a symptom of spiritual development). >Are there any tantric techniques I should learn? so far the techniques of which I am aware called 'tantric' include specific vocalizations (which may well help you), visualizations (which might also assist in your self-consciousness -- if you are super-imposing some exalted entity over your own consciousness or the appearance of your lover(s) this may make a difference in your attitude and how you feel about them), breathing exercises (which definitely affects anxiety and bodily response), and energy exercises (about which I don't think I understand enough to speculate at present). you may be able to learn about these in this newsgroup or from offline texts, though such practical advice is often reserved for personal instruction (because it can be frank and because there may be some kind of stigma attached to conveying this kind of informtion in print). neo-tantra combines sexual techniques here, at times, and perhaps some sexual approaches with which you may wish to become more familiar (if you are not already) are non-penetrative sexual activities (tongue-moves for oral sex, for example, use of hands and tongue together, breast-stimulation, the general value of light and deep massage (whole-body), skin- stimulating tools like fur, feathers, fabrics, the addition of food and drink to one's amorous indulgence, and the change of context to shower, field of flowers, or living room floor near fireplace). by far the greatest 'technique' you will ever learn that will facilitate your comfort and enjoyment of physical sexuality is your direct and non-judgmental communication with your lover(s) about your preferences, interests, how each of you feel during and in reflection of your love-making, what you would like to explore and what you find uncomfortable or abhorrent. beyond this, take your time and try to attune yourself to any with whom you become intimate. a neo-tantric 'technique' that sri catyananda and I have found valuable is a small ritual we perform every time we are ready to rise up from our love-making and return to the world of clothes, other relationships, and more conventional communication styles. there is no hard and fast line, to be sure, but the transition between general operating modes has proven to be an important one to both of us such that we wish to draw attention to it as much to 'check in' with one another as to our interests in it (the idea in a nutshell is to get us both practically aligned, and even though we have rarely if ever been so out of alignment, the ritual seems to help). we verbally coordinate with one another as to our readiness to rise and make the transition to the world of business accounts and yard-watering ("you just about ready to get up/go?"; "yes, just about"). then we swab our sexual juices upon each other's foreheads, usually drawing some sort of sigil there (sometimes silly, sometimes quite serious, sometimes a word, at others a symbol, a picture, sometimes an unknown form). we don't have rigid conventions about whose effluvia are used by whom to do the drawing, and this seems to vary based on what fluids were involved, where they are when we do the sigilizing, and how we each feel at the time. quite often we will use our own juices or perhaps their combination (often from genitals, but at times from other body parts as they may be so coated). I've never heard of anyone else ever doing this before, and I find that it is extremely satisfying, both symbolically as well as practically (in demarcation of time and consciousness, comparable perhaps to how magicians will explain that the reason for creating the magical sigilation is to bring to attention the event at hand). may you discover peace in every breath, nagasiva -- mailto:nagasiva@luckymojo.com ; http://www.luckymojo.com/nagasiva.html mailto:boboroshi@satanservice.org ; http://www.satanservice.org/ emailed replies may be posted; cc replies if response desired
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