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Can't shut my mind up

To: alt.magick.tyagi,alt.consciousness.mysticism,,alt.religion.sexuality,,alt.magick.tantra
From: (nagasiva yronwode)
Subject: Re: Can't shut my mind up
Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2000 08:00:38 GMT

50000617 Vom

Phinny :
>    When I'm having sex it's like this internal battle in me between
>wanting to lose myself to the sensation and wanting to control it. I
>find that at first it feels good, but inevitably I start to worry
>about what the 'correct' way is to feel my feelings and to proceed. I
>become too concerned, out of habit, to worrying about how I should
>perform instead of enjoying myself 

appear to others
						   feel to oneself

>and I start second guessing every impulse, 

slow down, talk plainly with your partner(s) about this problem,
and then second, third and fourth-guess every impulse. explore
in masturbation and sex PLAY what happens in a variety of
different combinations and situations of energies, attitudes,
conditions, and contexts. through this method (and perhaps
with some practice at just relaxing without doing anything at
all), this will cease to be a problem (because the potential
results will have been experienced and you'll break out of
any narrow preconceptions you now hold).

>and then often I can't cum or I lose my erection. 

contemplate and discuss with intimates what the MEANING of
these results truly is. is coming every time important?
look at all those who affiliate with tantra of one sort or
another who proclaim that coming is a PROBLEM! are erections
that important? to whom? what alternatives to erection-
centered sex can you imagine, playfully engage? at least
considering these ideas may yield important attitudinal

some good degree of the emphasis on and identification 
of problems will depend upon the conditioning you have
received about sexuality and its "proper" choreography.
since your complaint is that you might be able to come
or to maintain an erection, then I will assume several
things about you which may or may not be true and
therefore offer my (nonofficial, untrained) advice:

	* if you don't have one, get a vasectomy.
	  that's my religious advice. :>

	* explore sexuality from the perspective of
	  your partner(s). if a woman, then learn
	  about women-centered sexuality in texts and
	  videos. get to know women from the INSIDE
	  OUT, including the variation in their
	  conditioning and their biology. if a man or 
  	  more than one person, do likewise, consulting 
	  library and online texts about the joys and
	  trepidations about what sex includes. you
	  will find that most people have similar
	  feelings about performance and ecstasy,
	  and that this dissonance is a kind of
	  byproduct of inexperience and uncertainty 
	  about one's skill combined with level of
	  communication and connection to one's
	  partner(s). consult resources like the 
	  Society for Human Sexuality's Online 
	  Library (extensive! lovely!):

	  for good soundings on what to expect
	  where conventional sex is concerned.

	* explore yourself sexually, inclusive
	  of masturbation and self-stimulation
	  which is NOT genitally-centered. if
	  this exploration occurs in consort
	  with your partner(s), so much the
	  BETTER (because as you learn about
	  yourself, they will also learn about
	  you). ideally this could become a
	  piece of an entire spiritual self-
	  awareness program inclusive of
	  regular exercise, meditation,
	  perhaps the regulation or attention
	  to diet, and reflection with others
	  online or off about spirituality.

	* try to take your focus away from
	  the problem areas which distract
	  you from connecting with your
	  partner(s). if this is self-
	  consciousness, then try to diffuse
 	  the uncertainty about what you are 
	  doing by asking your lover(s) to 
	  help you to lose some of your self-
	  consciousness by directing you to do 
	  what they would like, with compliments 
	  when they like what you do and 
	  considerate redirects when something 
	  you do doesn't work for them. another
	  approach is for you to try things
	  with them and have them provide
	  rather continual feedback as you
	  proceed (a 'getting to know' session).

	  if it is an inability to have
	  the type of ejaculatory or erectile
	  response that you would like, then
	  put more emphasis in your life about
	  learning what pleases and displeases
	  you, physically, come to understand
	  the psychological issues behind the
	  arising and persistence of erection,
	  the social over-emphasis on the penis
	  and ejactulation, and the similarities
	  of biology between men and women
	  (inasmuch as there are definite and
	  easily identifiable correlate nerve
	  clusters, (mutual) oral sexual stimula-
	  tion may serve as but one of a number of
	  enjoyable alternatives to penetration 
	  when erection wanes -- and it is not
	  uncommon for it to wane and return).

	* be not afraid to pick and choose your
	  most compatible sexual partner rather
	  than accepting whoever comes along.
	  some people just are not capable of
	  making sex work between them due to
	  their individual libertine and/or
	  constrained sexual conditioning/nature.

>Is there anyway to make my brain shut up while I'm having sex? 

some of my response to this depends on how often you have
difficulties 'making your brain shut up' (quieting the
inner train of imagined verbal expression) during your
waking life outside of sex. there are many interesting
theories about this, some promising rather poorly for
your chances at changing it. I tend to think that one
may often dampen and severely impact one's internal 
thought train through relaxation exercises and quiet,
reposing meditation (rather than visualizations, which
can be effective, but are active enough that they may
complicate matters, depending upon the subject matter).
I have found that hatha yoga (especially the corpse 
pose), sitting zazen, and warm baths are conducive to
relaxation. it may help to exercise vigorously prior
to the bath (a long walk, for example), and being
between hunger and satiation (having eaten perhaps
2 hours or more previous). we're only talking about
the facilitation of relaxation, not what is 
absolutely necessary to achieve it. becoming quite
familiar with how to BECOME relaxed, this can be
achieved in even difficult circumstances (and is,
I think, a symptom of spiritual development).

>Are there any tantric techniques I should learn?

so far the techniques of which I am aware called
'tantric' include specific vocalizations (which may
well help you), visualizations (which might also
assist in your self-consciousness -- if you are
super-imposing some exalted entity over your own
consciousness or the appearance of your lover(s)
this may make a difference in your attitude and
how you feel about them), breathing exercises
(which definitely affects anxiety and bodily
response), and energy exercises (about which I
don't think I understand enough to speculate at
present). you may be able to learn about these in
this newsgroup or from offline texts, though such 
practical advice is often reserved for personal 
instruction (because it can be frank and because
there may be some kind of stigma attached to
conveying this kind of informtion in print).

neo-tantra combines sexual techniques here, at
times, and perhaps some sexual approaches with
which you may wish to become more familiar
(if you are not already) are non-penetrative
sexual activities (tongue-moves for oral sex,
for example, use of hands and tongue together,
breast-stimulation, the general value of
light and deep massage (whole-body), skin-
stimulating tools like fur, feathers, fabrics, 
the addition of food and drink to one's amorous 
indulgence, and the change of context to shower, 
field of flowers, or living room floor near 

by far the greatest 'technique' you will ever
learn that will facilitate your comfort and
enjoyment of physical sexuality is your
direct and non-judgmental communication with
your lover(s) about your preferences,
interests, how each of you feel during and
in reflection of your love-making, what you 
would like to explore and what you find 
uncomfortable or abhorrent. beyond this, take 
your time and try to attune yourself to any 
with whom you become intimate.

a neo-tantric 'technique' that sri catyananda
and I have found valuable is a small ritual
we perform every time we are ready to rise
up from our love-making and return to the
world of clothes, other relationships, and
more conventional communication styles. there
is no hard and fast line, to be sure, but the
transition between general operating modes
has proven to be an important one to both of
us such that we wish to draw attention to it
as much to 'check in' with one another as to
our interests in it (the idea in a nutshell
is to get us both practically aligned, and
even though we have rarely if ever been so
out of alignment, the ritual seems to help).

we verbally coordinate with one another as
to our readiness to rise and make the
transition to the world of business accounts
and yard-watering ("you just about ready to 
get up/go?"; "yes, just about"). then we
swab our sexual juices upon each other's
foreheads, usually drawing some sort of
sigil there (sometimes silly, sometimes
quite serious, sometimes a word, at others
a symbol, a picture, sometimes an unknown
form). we don't have rigid conventions
about whose effluvia are used by whom to
do the drawing, and this seems to vary
based on what fluids were involved, where
they are when we do the sigilizing, and
how we each feel at the time. quite often
we will use our own juices or perhaps their
combination (often from genitals, but at
times from other body parts as they may be
so coated).

I've never heard of anyone else ever doing
this before, and I find that it is extremely
satisfying, both symbolically as well as
practically (in demarcation of time and
consciousness, comparable perhaps to how 
magicians will explain that the reason for 
creating the magical sigilation is to
bring to attention the event at hand).

may you discover peace in every breath,

-- ; ; 
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